


Piece of Cake

by alpacasandravens



Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: Cross-Posted on Tumblr, M/M, Wedding Planning, also featuring a very confused baker, basically: what is it like for the people who have to plan peter and elias's many weddings?, but this is only about their baker because that's what i have experience with, it's just cheesy fluff, lots of banter, mentions of elias's canon-typical weed
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-22
Updated: 2019-05-22
Packaged: 2020-03-09 10:28:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,049
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18915100
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alpacasandravens/pseuds/alpacasandravens
Summary: Peter and Elias thoroughly confuse a baker by reminiscing on all their past weddings during their cake tasting for wedding number six.





	Piece of Cake

**Author's Note:**

> this really isn't how i imagined my first foray into Magnus writing would go. Somehow, I thought I'd do something serious. Probably something Jonmartin. And then this happened. Hope it makes you laugh.

“You picked last time, it’s my turn, dear,” Peter said, swatting Elias’s hand away from the icings. 

“Last time?” The woman conducting their tasting asked, at first as a reflex and then because she was genuinely curious as to what they meant. She had been making wedding cakes for the better part of a decade, and though over that time she’d dealt with customers on their second, third, and even fourth weddings, generally the couple had not been married _to each other_ before.

“At our last wedding, he picked red velvet,” Peter confided, leaning slightly towards the woman and putting a hand to his mouth to block Elias out of the conversation.

Elias dropped his fork on the table, deliberately creating the loudest clatter possible from one utensil. “It was a December wedding. In the Alps. I was merely following the theme.”

“I don’t like red velvet,” Peter said, keeping up the blatantly false premise that he was not speaking to Elias. “It’s just chocolate that’s pretending.”

“I know,” Elias said with a tight-lipped smile.

“Not to pry, but how many times have you been married?”

“Three times? Maybe four. If he would stop asking for divorces, we wouldn’t have to have so many weddings. You’d think after all this time he would know that,” Peter shrugged.

“We’ve been married five times,” Elias said with a pointed glare, though even he wasn’t sure if it was genuine or not. “And I can’t Know the future any more than you can.” The way he pronounced ‘know’ left no doubt that it was meant to be capitalized. He did this entirely to confuse the baker - it was ever so fun messing with people he’d never see again.

“Anyway, where were we? As I was saying, the last wedding was a winter theme. Dreadful, really. I don’t know why I went along with it. Then again, the ‘90s weren’t my best decade.”

The baker raised an eyebrow, but didn’t comment. The men sitting in front of her looked to be in their fifties, but there was no way they could have gotten married four times before the 1990s. They weren’t that old.

 _Aren’t we?_ a voice in her head that sounded exactly like Elias’s said. Suddenly, she Knew of a picture of the two men in front of her, both a little younger and with a few less gray hairs, wearing matching tuxes with long coattails her mind instinctively wanted to label Victorian. Then the same men, still the same age but in a sepia photograph, standing in front of a tall wedding cake beside a river. In the background, a woman wore a bustle dress from the turn of the last century. Then there were the same men again, starting to gray now, on a balcony overlooking the city with champagne flutes in hand. The last one was so brief she barely Knew it, the men appearing exactly as they did now but in a field decked out with flowers. Their suits were less formal, and Peter’s bowtie was even pink.

“Must you show off?” Peter’s voice broke her out of her head. “I was speaking. But I’m sure that’s exactly why you did it, isn’t it. Can’t let me have all the fun.”

He was chiding Elias, though the baker couldn’t think of anything he could be - oh. Well. Putting aside the very real possibility that her client had just implanted his wedding photos in her mind telepathically, she forged on, trying to hide the quiver in her voice.

“So do you have any ideas for this wedding yet? Have you found any flavors you’d like?”

“I like the lemon icing,” Peter said, looking Elias dead in the eyes.

Elias smiled his tight smile again. “Of course you do. Did you even try it, or are you just saying that to be on-brand?” He turned to the baker and added by way of explanation, “Nothing says ‘Lonely’ like lemon icing on our wedding cake.”

This explained nothing, and the woman was by now very sure that she was attempting to help two immortals make one of the worst and most expensive decisions of their very long lives.

“Exactly!” Elias exclaimed. “She gets it. This is a bad decision.”

Though she said nothing, the baker couldn’t help but agree. This wedding, though it hadn’t even happened yet, seemed like it would bring nothing but trouble.

“She means the wedding, not the icing,” Peter said without looking at her. “Besides, it can’t possibly be worse than the time you let Maxwell bake weed into the cake.”

“That was my favorite wedding.” Elias crossed his arms stubbornly.

Peter brought a hand to his face like he was smoothing his beard, though the gesture did nothing for the already impeccable state of his facial hair. “You know, I think my favorite wedding was our first. Back then, we really thought it was going to last. I’d almost say it was romantic.”

He turned to the baker and added, “It was the worst divorce, though. We thought that one was going to be permanent, too.”

“If you don’t mind, could you stop reminiscing and make a decision? I remember our other weddings; I was there.”

Peter chuckled. “I’m aware, love. It isn’t often I get to talk about them, though. Good times.”

The baker smiled an extremely strained smile. Peter, she had decided, probably talked about them all the time, to anyone who would listen, and even people who wouldn’t. He seemed like that sort of person. 

“Anyway, I have decided. I want the lemon. And before you say anything, it’s very old-fashioned, so it matches with the location perfectly. We’ve rented a castle, you know,” he added as an aside. “Also, I like it.”

“Fine.” 

Peter pulled out his credit card with a self-satisfied smile. “How much for the deposit?”

 

As they walked away, Elias muttered something about how “It’s going to be a beach wedding next time, Peter. You can’t have lemon on the beach.”

“But you can have strawberry. Raspberry. Just think of all the ‘berry’ flavors.”

“Fine! We’ll have a normal wedding next time. With a regular, non-fruit-flavored icing.”

Peter took Elias’s hand as he laughed. “You just want to be stoned on our wedding day again, babe.”

“Maybe I do!”

**Author's Note:**

> This is also posted on my tumblr @alpacasandravens !! Comments/etc always appreciated aka please yell with me about these bastards they're so much fun!


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